Sometimes You Have to Start Back at the Beginning
I have not been well for several months now. I'd say the last time I felt good was probably back in November. I don't think I realized how troubled I'd become until I saw my mood drop so bad I was beginning to wish I wasn't alive to deal with all this. Life was getting under my skin and some bad luck was just pushing me to the edge.
Thankfully, I took a four day weekend this past weekend, really for no other reason than I wanted to squeeze a break in from work. It truly came at a perfect time though, it gave me the space and time to get my thoughts together, and identify some of the problems and figure out a way to start making things better.
What I've come up with is this: Due to some financial issues (my wife being out of work and a job falling though), a job rejection I wasn't expecting for me, a very sick dog, and then lot of extra bills at once, I'm just struggling to deal with it all. I have this trigger, about being homeless, that originated back when I got kicked out of my house many years ago, and that has also flared up as part of this. When I get scared and frustrated, I tend to turn on the manager part of me which wants to get organize, have no fun, prepare for the worst, and act like it's the apocalypse. If that sounds exhausting, it's because it is. And so, the time I spend online tends to increase as a way to counterbalance all the stress I put on myself and this time, I took notice how being online was screwing me up.
I don't bother with what passes as "news" these days, but it seems to leak into just about all areas of the internet. To make matters worse, the doomsday reporting on technology and entertainment has begun, so it's hard for me to read up on movie news or tech news without a ton of hostility and negative reporting. So, all day long, I've created a sort of doom cycle of my own, reading about how streaming is exploiting us, how Microsoft is screwing over people who bought an Xbox, most video games are going live service, this celebrity says Hollywood is weak, this movie didn't get nominated... etc. All this negativity then compounded with the real negativity in my life, and suddenly I didn't feel like I had an escape of any sort. How could I support this film company when they are doing this? How can I watch this sport with the Saudi's are investing in it? How can I even stomach watching wrestling after reading what Vince McMahon did to that poor woman?
I found myself exhausted from my real life and then even more so from being online. Thankfully, I realized I do need to balance the time I spend online with more hobbies and I need to chill the hell out.
So, over the weekend, I hit up the used book store and bought some paperback books. I even went as far as to buy a neck light so I can read in bed. That way I can go screen less a little bit more each night.
Then I decided to cut myself some slack. I need to stop beating myself up over not exercising, not eating right, not saving more money, and not being more productive. I made a deal with myself. The next two weeks, the only thing I have to do is journal every day and meditate for five minutes. Nothing else. If I feel compelled, great, but those are the only two things I must do. The week after that, if all is well, I'll add in a day of exercise.
Sometimes, when you find yourself lost, you have to start back over at the beginning. This is where I find myself right now.